last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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