A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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