just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
