I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
