If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
