did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
not ubering you a puppy
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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