Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
