take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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