You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
