She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize