I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
