Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
where does the pee come out of this thing
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
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