Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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