By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
