my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
