I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
