I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
home. puking in laundry basket.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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