And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Randomize
