Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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