My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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