Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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