he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
