Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
