when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
