i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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