My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
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