I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
