Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Randomize
