Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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