I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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