If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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