that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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