If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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