I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
