She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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