sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
