Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
