I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
