update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
