I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
