We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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