i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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