Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Randomize
