Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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