Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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