I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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