she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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