She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
