wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
