you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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