I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
