I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
