Just cropdusted the office
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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