is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
